I woke up with a start and immediately looked down to see if my breasts were leaking an acrid-smelling milk.
That was the fifth dream that month where I had been suckling an infant that clearly was not of this world.
I’m not a mum, and I have minimal knowledge of babies, but even I know that newborns don’t have leathery black wings, fangs or a forked tongue.
In fact, it was only an eerie sense of familiarity that had stopped me throwing my dream baby on to the floor in sheer terror - what was going on?
Thankfully Facebook had the answers - but being told I had wanked my ugly baby in to existence wasn’t what I had expected - or wanted to hear.
Just a few days before my most vivid dream where I was dropping off one of my odd-looking spawn for their first day of class - TBH I’m still not sure if it was doing the school run or being ‘mummy’ to this unfortunate looking thing that had made me wake up in a cold sweat - a lengthy post written by a glamorous Nigerian preacher popped up on my newsfeed.
Princess Nwokoye seemed to have read my mind. Had my enthusiasm for masturbating had some negative side effects? YES, she wrote. It had.
“Each time you masturbate, you donate sperm to the demonic kingdom,” she said, calling masturbation ‘the greatest demon on earth’.
“At least my dream-babies have good lineage,” I thought, strangely proud.
Princess continued: “Masturbation is like having sex in dreams, each time you release, you in-pregnante a demon and as a woman, each time you are masturbating, you are having sex with a demon and sometimes get pregnanted by a demon.
“Have you ever wondered how you see yourself with children or breastfeeding a
baby in dreams when physically you have non [sic]?
“That's the demon or demons you gave birth to.”
I took a moment to think back over the series of monster baby dreams... nope, I definitely didn’t remember giving birth to anything.
“This is great, I could have 10 kids and not sacrifice my vagina!” I thought, almost tasting all the booze and fags I would also have to put to one side should I be knocked up IRL.
It reminded me of when I spoke to a Lucid Dream expert who told me that babies in dreams represented ideas not actual children - whose brand of madness was I to believe?
Reading on, it emerged that while having half-breed interspecies dream babies would keep my genitals in mint condition and be cheaper than paying for a real child’s clothes, gadgets and snacks, I was quite literally spunking away hundreds (or thousands) of pounds.
Princess recalled how she was approached by one parishioner who had been waiting FIVE years for an insurance payout.
With a bit of praying, she saw he was pleasuring himself four times a day... bet she wishes he had a more wholesome pastime after that prayer sesh.
Upon her advice, she claims that he put a stop to his constant jerking off and he now lives a comfortable life.
She added: “Many of you would have been so rich now but because of masturbation, your wealth, good luck and happiness have been donated to demons.
“You would have been married by now but your feelings are gone because of masturbation.”
I’m not sure I’m still on the shelf at 36 just because of this, I mean I'm a wanker 24/7 not just when armed with a dildo, but Princess would definitely disagree.
She concluded: “The enemy has come up with sex toys, sex objects, to aid masturbation, to steal kill and destroy humanity completely.”
After seeing what came out of me in the netherworld between day and night, I’m pretty sure my army of mutant kids could do more damage than if every Rampant Rabbit on the planet gained consciousness and burrowed in to the centre of the Earth, causing it to explode.
So for the sake of humanity, it’s time for me to work out a way to give birth to it IRL.