Karen Matthews' best bits since leaving jail
I once saw a pregnant woman smoking a fag outside a hospital who looked just like Karen Matthews.
However, it wasn’t her. Everyone knows the real Karen Matthews prefers to forcibly fill her kids with chemicals once they’re out of the womb, and in lieu of an umbilical cord keeping them in one spot, she opts for a long piece of elastic.
It’s crazy to think that on December 4 2008, 11 years ago today, she was found guilty of child neglect and perverting the course of justice after the court heard she had faked her 9-year-old daughter Shannon’s kidnap, by going along with a plot to drug her and hide her in a bed at her paedophile boyfriend’s uncle’s house.
Their motive? To cash in on a reward for the little girl's safe return.
Now, I’m not here to dissect the morality of Karen serving half of an 8 year sentence, or lay out pros and cons for whether criminals should be given new identities at tax payers’ expense. And I am definitely not going to delve in to the murky debate of whether the mum of 'seven-by-five' is a better or worse mum than Kate McCann.
With her sallow skin, lazy dress sense and greasy, badly dyed hair, Karen Matthews, now 43, could be most women aged over 35 in the UK - trust me, I am one of them.
Yet despite looking like 80% of the people in any town centre in Britain, not to mention her enviable child-stashing skills, she’s not managed to hide in plain sight, in fact quite the opposite has happened, and I love it.
Is this because she has 'star quality'? Or are we just a nation of absolute scumbags who always need a (lower class) scapegoat, a public enemy number one, to aim our fury at as the things that really piss us off are so removed from our direct influence that we would go mad otherwise?
I'll save that rant for a TED Talk. Until then here’s some of my “favourite” Karen Matthews headlines... although the one I really want to see is “Monster mum Karen Matthews jailed for wearing disgusting crocheted headband”.
Actually, if you find me the fucker that invented those monstrosities, they'll need more than life-long witness protection....
She's a daytime TV educated antiques expert
Show me someone who doesn't think they are Lovejoy 2.0, or that they could renovate a pokey Spanish holiday flat after watching several hours of daytime TV, and I'll show you a liar.
From being ON benefits to BRINGING them
Anyone who slags off the Queen and her family, which seems to be forever multiplying - much like a spider plant - is often told that the amount of tourism they bring in outweighs how much it costs to 'keep' them, staff, castles, security, Corgis, and all.
And so is true for Karen Matthews - or so she claims. As part of her £1,000,000 semi-rebrand (she reportedly isn't smart enough to use her new fake name all the time, so is still Karen to most people), Karen was expelled from her hometown of Dewsbury and forced to live somewhere 'down South'.
Here she says she is bringing in the tourists, so like fellow matriarch HRH Queen Elizabeth II, she deserves to be recognised... and not only in the charity shop where she works.
Oh and if one bus pass wasn't enough, she wants special treatment in Dewsbury, too, with a pal revealing: "She says nobody would have heard of it if it wasn't for her."
Wing some, you lose some
On the surface this is a story about a woman with a pet budgie, but because of Karen choosing to have a caged avian as a pet, poor feathery Bobby now also knows how it feels to be locked up for years with only a criminal for company.
No wonder she feels so close to him.
She hates her face so much she tries to distract from it with the world's grossest hairband
In today's selfie-obsessed society, most of us have developed a few complexes about features we don't like, and KMatt is the same.
She wants a £12k cash boost to get a new nose, new teeth and an eye-lift... well, don't we all.
But seriously, how would she be able to negotiate her free bus pass if the tourists stop coming to her new town just to see her?
Face or freedom, Kaz. You can't have both.
She has a KFC Sugar Daddy
KMatt has managed to ruffle a few feathers since leaving prison - including, it seems, a pensioner who took one look at her and felt a 'zinger' in his loins.
Looking classy in her favourite disgusting hairband, some sunglasses that should have stayed in 2008, her newly dyed raven tresses scraped back in to a Croydon facelift and wearing a truly repulsive cat T-shirt that skimmed over her ageing assets, it's no surprise Eric was struggling to keep his dentures in.
With more kids than fingers on one hand, it's clear that when it comes to sparking desire in the opposite sex, Karen Matthew's secret blend of herbs and spices makes her one greasy bird men want to takeaway...
She's the Anna Nicole Smith of Britain
A year after stepping out with her fast-food loving benefactor Eric, KMatt reportedly caught the eye of another OAP... only this time she was being paid to care for his equally elderly wife.
It's a story that echoes the controversial love affair between buxom playmate Anna Nicole Smith and billionaire 90-year-old Howard J. Marshall, although there was no high stakes court case here when it all went wrong, just lots of praying.
Still thinks she's a good mum
KMatt has remained indignant that she isn't the worst mum in Britain - and it seems her probation officers agree.
There was outrage when it emerged she had a "Best Mum" sign in her new tax payer-funded flat. I'm still more outraged about that f**king hairband, but hey ho, that's me.
I can't imagine KMatt was browsing the aisles of Poundland looking for anything other than hideous hairbands, cheap sunglasses and probably the 'Best Mum' sign she now has next to her bed.
But can you imagine if she WAS taking pictures of people's kids, though? What would she be saying? "Yeah, that one would fit under a bed, I'll take it!"
Thought she was having a stroke but she's just fat and has gallstones
I've read a lot about Karen Matthew's health, mostly that she's obese and has gallstones, and you have to assume she is in a LOT of discomfort if she is insulting old men rather than trying to shag them.
Maybe it was all the codeine she was guzzling that put her off her stride...