A few people have accused me of being 'gullible' in my time, so to prove them wrong I refused to believe them.
But today it dawned on me that something I took for granted is a lie... black metal superstar Mortiis actually is a bloke wearing a MASK.
My interest in the Norwegian hook nosed goblin freak started at school (around the same time I started fancying Dennis Nilsen, you can read about that glorious chapter of my life here), and I always just assumed that was how he looks. That is one of the downsides of accepting people as they are, you just don't even question if they actually live in a cave or not.
For those of you who aren't aware of who Mortiis is, it is name of a character and solo project started by Håvard Ellefsen, 44, former bassist of black metal band Emperor. He himself said in an interview: "I do not look upon myself as a goblin, or troll, or elf, or medieval. I am merely Mortiis."
Mortiis' started out in 1993 with a more ambient sound than his former group, but over time it has evolved in to taking in a more industrial soundscape. However, I am not a black metal nerd, so I'm going to just focus on how it took 20-odd years for the penny to drop that the Parasite God doesn't actually look like that.
This morning, while avoiding real life, I stumbled upon what is my new favourite Instagram account MortiisMemes. They made me laugh loads, so here are some of my favourites.
Anyway, it was as I was looking at the memes I thought, "Mortiis is getting old," like he was a REAL PERSON. It was akin to when I was obsessed with watching The Bill and realised that PC Nick Klein wasn't actually a junkie copper, he was an ACTOR.
But respect to Håvard for letting Mortiis age like a true goblin king, and not making him go down the route of the Human Ken Doll. To see what Mortiis could have looked like if Håvard had developed an obsession with fillers, here's a mock up.
In the left hand picture it's clear to see that Mortiis has a loss of volume in his cheeks, with severe crows feet. While his forehead is relatively free of horizontal glabellar lines, there is some severe frown lines apparent.
In the right hand picture, we can see Mortiis as he might look if he had a filler such as Juvederm injected in to his cheeks, restoring lost volume, filling out some of the deep crow's feet and creating a more attractive 'V-shaped' visage.
He also appears to have had filler in his lips, creating a more defined cupid's bow, and plumping the lower lip for a more seductive pout. I would also suggest he has had botox to the upper face area to lift his brow and enhance his naturally cat-shaped eyes.
All in all it's a subtle refresh that would definitely help him secure a place in a reality show such as Geordie Shore or Love Island.
This concludes today's episode of "I am a complete dipshit."
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