When a glamorous narcissist ruins your family: By Gomez and Fester Addams
Nothing breaks up a happy home like a sexy narcissist with a taste for the finer things in life, just ask Prince William... or Gomez Addams.
Two brothers torn apart by the younger’s marriage to a beautiful and narcissistic American. A previously rock solid relationship dissolved by the glamorous newcomer’s greed. A steely-eyed serial bride with a terrifying hunger for status, adoration and flashy jewellery. This is a woman who has a murky relationship with her parents, and took drastic action to distance herself from them. Blood ties severed forever as the love struck victim is separated from his once close family unit, forced to set up home hundreds of miles away and live a life that he was not born in to, nor is suited to. A sister-in-law that struggles to support her heartbroken husband as he realises that his darling sibling is never returning to the family fold. A huge sum of ‘old money’ at stake.
Sounds familiar? Believe it or not, this is not the story of Princes William and Harry and Meghan Markle, but that of Gomez and Fester Addams.
But there sure are a lot of similarities…
I love when life imitates art, and TBH when this whole Harry and Meghan saga started I found myself comparing their deteriorating relationship with his family to that of Rob Kardashian and Blac Chyna.
However, There simply aren’t enough siblings to make that work, and although Prince Harry has trademarked the use of ‘Sussex Royal’ for socks, that is probably the only comparison I can draw between him and Rob. Well until he balloons in weight to the point he can only wear tracksuits, goes on a Twitter rant calling Meghan a whore, and she sets her mum up with a trashy AF reality show so she can get laid after three long years of dick drought.
In reality, the drama currently playing out in the Royal family’s network of stately homes and palaces (and the British tabloids and hilarious Instagram memes) is more like the plot of Addams Family Values.
In this 1991 sequel, Uncle Fester is lured away from his kooky clan by Debbie Jellinsky, a woman who arrives at their dilapidated mansion to take on the role of nanny to Gomez and Morticia’s new baby, Hubert.
Unbeknown to the family, she is a woman on a mission - she is dead set on marrying unlucky-in-love but stinking rich Uncle Fester, Gomez’s younger sibling who has always idolised his brother’s passionate and stable relationship with his long dark haired wife.
Using her womanly charms, she succeeds in winning Fester’s heart, and after their wedding (which none of her family attends), forces him to move to Hawaii to start a new life - away from the influence and care of his family and where she can indulge in all the trappings that come naturally to those swimming in ‘new money’.
After making Fester have a rebrand - including wearing an awful Elton John-style hairpiece that makes him look like a mushroom, Debbie starts bleeding him for money. New cars, a new big, modern house, lots of art, jewellery, shopping trips. She plans to kill him and inherit his money. He is too stupid to notice. He is separated from his family, and forced to tell Gomez he wants nothing more to do with him.
Morticia pleads with her polar opposite sister-in-law: “You have enslaved him. You have placed Fester under some strange sexual spell. I respect that. But please, may we see him?”
The request is denied.
Back at the Addams’ dilapidated HQ, which is full of portraits of dead relatives, dusty old antiques, and has a servant, Gomez falls in to a deep depression as he weeps for his brother.
Morticia is at her wit’s end as she tries to support her love and look after their three kids. Her mum is on hand for emotional support. Gomez and Fester’s mother is long dead.
It soon becomes apparent that Debbie is more than just a nanny who married up. She is a well established serial killer known as the Black Widow. Two previous wealthy husbands have died, but her attempts to kill Fester have all failed. Will this bald goon be the one husband that outlives her?
With a bit of help from Thing, the pastey billionaire escapes and returns to the family seat - with his furious wife in pursuit.
She doesn’t have reconciliation in mind, she wants revenge. Trapping the family in the basement and strapping them to electric chairs, her narcissistic personality truly comes to the fore.
Before bumping them off, Debbie talks the Addams through the story of her life using a slideshow, revealing she killed her parents after they bought her a Malibu Barbie rather than the one she wanted as they obviously didn’t see her as the “graceful 10-year-old ballerina” that she was.
But her murderous plan to give herself a clear run to the Addams’ wealth is thwarted when baby Hubert saves the day by short-circuiting the basement, causing Debbie to go up in smoke.
The Addams live to see another day, but bury Debbie in the family plot in the garden, almost acknowledging that despite her disdain for the family, she was definitely enough of a head case to be one of them.
Fester then meets a new woman who is more like him (bald and sallow skinned) called Dementia, and we assume things go back to how they were.
So that's the film, what about the Windsor/Sussex fallout?
The parallels are there - narcissistic outsider marrying a dimwit younger brother; broken-hearted dad-of-three struggling with a sudden shift in family dynamics; a relocation to a far away place; a rift between two brothers; a LOT of family money at stake... if Prince Louis ends up short circuiting the Frogmore Cottage or Buckingham Palace then it'll be a full house.