I love going to the cinema - not only as it means I can eat loads of snacks in the dark without being judged, but because I LOVE trailers. I love them more than watching an actual film.
Back in the day, before the internet destroyed everything fun in the world, a trip to the video shop would mean a chance to see trailers playing on a loop on a grainy screen as I pestered my mum to take out films we both knew I wasn’t old enough to watch.
Robocop 3? “It’ll teach me about the justice system!” Critters 4? “They’re cute!” Children of the Corn? “It’s just kids working on a farm, it’s about teamwork!”
I had a little TV with a built-in VHS player in my bedroom, and one of the best things about “getting a film” would be getting to watch the trailers… and rewinding them again and again.
Now, despite it playing a part in the death of video shop culture, there’s all the trailers I can handle readily available on YouTube - but it’s these recut trailers, where they turn a classic horror in to a romcom or something totally different, that have me clicking rewind again and again…
THE SHINING
From psychological horror to feel good family film, it’s enough to get Stanley Kubrick spinning in his grave.
For me, it’s the inclusion of Peter Gabriel’s Solsbury Hill that really makes this reimagining of The Shining creepier than the original.
I went to see him live once, and watched on in a mixture of awe and angst as he lay on his back in the middle of the stage making ‘snow angels’ while belting out Sledgehammer, what if he broke a hip? He was dressed like a E11 roadman in a puffer gilet and a tracksuit. At what age should men stop wearing hoodies? He’s pushing 70.
TBH, ever since that night at Wembley, the sound of his voice has reminded me of the eternal question as to which era of Genesis was better: Flute-wielding Pete’s proggy 70s, or Phil Collins’ drum-driven 80s?
Back to the trailer, I would say getting an answer to the Pete vs Phil conundrum is as likely as any woman welcoming Jack Torrence in to her life as her troubled kid’s new role model, but I’d happily push out as many kids as he could get in me, so that argument is moribund.
Plus, it gives me hope that one day we will have a definitive answer to which version of Genesis was best.
DUMB AND DUMBER
Whoever came up with the idea to give Dumb and Dumber the Inception treatment is an absolute genius. I wish they made it IRL.
It’s the mania of the last minute that really cracks me up every time - and reminds me of when my friend had an Inception app that would randomly play the soundtrack’s iconic chord trio at random points throughout the day, making even the most mundane experience something dramatic and dangerous.
Sitting on the bus? No, you’re moments away from death in another dimension. Better wake up!
MRS DOUBTFIRE
I didn’t need further convincing that Mrs. Doubtfire is one of the most sinister films ever made, but this trailer might help those that are yet to see the light.
Firstly, I find Robin Williams terrifying in general, but when he’s playing the role of a mentally deranged man gaslighting the mother of his children and infiltrating the family home after she has quite rightly kicked him out for not pulling his weight and being a shoddy partner, the alarm bells are telling you that this isn’t some sort of family-friendly romcom.
Why do people think otherwise? The master manipulator has obviously tricked them, too.
Daniel is spewing out lies to everyone who so much as makes eye-contact with him - similar to a magician or recruitment agent - to get his own way. He’s putting more effort in to his deception than he is his marriage, being a parent, or getting a job. Why would you want him around? He's an unsavoury character.
Surely if his own kids can’t recognise him from his EYES then it shows he hasn’t spent even nearly enough time with them to warrant such an extreme response to not being allowed near them? What does he REALLY want? Who is he? When will his reign of terror stop - has it even properly begun?
If Mrs. Doubtfire was the story of MY life and I was poor fraught-nerved, dead-eyed Miranda, I would have had him banged up - then got back to shagging Pierce Brosnan in peace.
ELF
Christmas cheer becomes festive fear as Will Ferrell’s Yuletide romp gets the thriller treatment. It’s amazing how little it takes a Hollywood hit to become Channel 5 matinee movie fodder, but I am totally here for it.
There’s simply not enough Yo Ho Ho-rror in the world. Or enough god awful movies to fill the cultural void that is Channel 5’s daytime programming, which FYI dear reader, is my happy place.
FORREST GUMP
Forrest Gump, one of cinema’s most lovable and emotive characters goes from low IQ to mothafuckin’ OG in this feel good to thug recut.
Forget peas and carrots, this interpretation sees him escaping ‘the ghetto’ thanks to a football scholarship, but he can’t seem to stay out of trouble.
Life might be like a box of chocolates, but for Forrest OG, “his baby momma’s downward spiral will make him choose between the good life and the thug life”.
Always knew that Jenny was bad news.
