• Rob

The most sinister TV shows from your youth

Youngsters think they've got so many problems, but they haven't grown up asking what might happen if they don't stay away from that trapdoor...


We look at the top 5 kid's shows from the past that were more creepy than 18 rated horror films today.


1. Trapdoor


Berk: RIGHT. It's *bonkin'* time! I loves a bit of bonkin'! Three, four, five, six, seven, can't remember the rest! Twelve!

Berk with said Kraken

Willie Rushdon, better known for his acting in several raunchy British sex comedies (remind me to get on to that later), voices Berk the servant to the ‘thing up stairs’.


Most episodes concern Bert along with his two friends, Drutt and Boni, having to defeat something that has come from the trap door... that has inevitably been left open, again!


2. Count Duckula


Duckula: Well, if we do have a death a week, the first thing I’m going to lose is a butler!


Igor: I’m sorry my lord but I do wish you would take your duties seriously now and again. Chew on a chambermaid, sink your teeth into a fainting female.


Igor: alas my lord, disgusting is all there is left to be. Without a death a week, life has lost all meaning.

Igor showing off his proud work

As you can see from the quote above, Duckula was a lovable kids' character - but his advisor Igor had rather darker desires for the vegetable loving vampire.


3. Toxic Crusaders


Psycho: The Toxic Crusaders!?


Toxie: In the hideously deformed and mutilated flesh.


Headbanger: Come on bozos, let's rumble.


Headbanger: That means fight!


Psycho: I know that. I may be psycho but I'm not stupid!


Headbanger, Junkyard, No-zone, Toxie, Major Disaster, Yvonne

It would take an incredibly brave person in this day and age to suggest making a children’s cartoon from the R-rated Troma classic The Toxic Avenger, but the ignorance of the pre- internet world didn’t hold so many fears for TV execs.


Even at that time I doubt producers actually watched the film series themselves, focusing more on the basic, wholesome story of a bullied kid falling into toxic waste and emerging as a deformed killing machine.


What next? Pixar developing the new Hellraiser movie?


But in all seriousness Macon Blair (of excellent stuff) is hoping to get a new Toxic Avenger film off the ground soon.


Let's hope it's not ruined by CGI.


4. Round the Twist


Gribbs: Whatcha doin' to that tree, Twist?


Tiger Gleeson: Must be a lavatree!


Gribbs: Think you're pretty tough when you stand next to a tree, dontcha, Twist. But I'll get you. And the last tree you'll see will be a cemetree. (<---- fucking BOOM)


A massive Bird Boy obviously

Yes, all of these things were episodes of Round the Twist.


Chances are you watched Round the Twist as a child. May god have mercy on your soul and may excellent anxiety drugs cure your fears.



5. Terrahawkes


Captain Mary Falconer: Sergeant Major, I want a hundred of your men to be boarded immediately.


Sergeant Major Zero: Yes Captain. ...You don't really think of us as men, do you?


Doctor 'Tiger' Ninestein: Oh, for space sake, Zero, not now...

Zelda along with Michael Myers in drag(?)

Zelda is her name and, god damn, it took me quite a while to think that Link wasn’t trying to save this absolute fucker from Ganon (<---- nerd joke!).


Made by, Gerry Anderson, the man who brought us Thunderbirds and Captain Scarlett amongst others, nothing in todays CGI world can be as creepy as physical puppets.


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